Villainy as a Victim

Today, I’m struck by the impact of my own villainy as a victim.   I justify gossip about someone I love just to get some semblance of pity or support for my suffering with no regard whatsoever of how my words might leave the other person.  The idea of destroying a reputation, decimating trust, or ruining a great relationship is not even on my radar. I am so consumed by my own story, nobody else matters.

I abdicate my power instantly by declaring that I have no choice about anything I do. I step into guilt and fear as knee-jerk reactions as quickly as I breathe, anticipating my own judgment to take me out before someone else does.  I pretend that I have no say in my life—about anything. I perpetuate my loss of control.

This all must end.  

I declared yesterday that I am love.  This behavior is inconsistent with who I am, and is diametrically opposed to my stand in the world.   Therefore, I am causing my life by taking action in the direction of full responsibility for the words I speak and the impact I bring to myself, the people I love, my community, and the world.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sharing Authentically

What I learned about sharing authentically. 1. My default way of being is to withhold my feelings like there’s something hugely important that I need to protect.  When I do this, I am on the defense. I become silent in a way that is menacing and sullen, for anyone smart enough to notice.  For everyone else, I show up as nice—but not kind. There is a resistance emanating from my heart. And it takes a bold person to snap me out of it.  Fortunately, I’m starting to see the effect, and am more and more willing to receive the assistance. 2. Having the opportunity to share what I experience emotionally without someone trying to fix me or make things better is an enormous blessing.  I can’t get over how powerful it has been to give myself permission to feel the negative feeling completely with the help of someone who simply reflects what’s there for me.  The solution I need arises organically from my heart when the emotion has passed. And I get a sense of freedom in my soul and a strong s
Read more

When Stories Collide

I am overwhelmingly intrigued by how different stories become during a break up.  Details shift.  Statements are forgotten while others are highlighted.  Hurtful actions are sidelined if they no longer serve the cause and becoming the victim reigns supreme.  It's uncanny.  All logic leaves.  Honesty is nonessential--so long as I am right.  My reputation is absolutely worth saving beyond my integrity.  And it doesn't matter that what I am saying makes absolute nonsense in the space of the other.  How does anyone reconcile when fantasy takes over and both parties are villainized and victimized simultaneously? Where is the peace?  Where is the love that is still being talked about?  Do we really believe what we're saying in anger?
Read more

Break up Depression

Jax stopped by with a pan of chicken and pasta and a loaf of French bread because she saw that I’ve been losing weight.  I totally appreciate the gesture— even though I actually prefer being less than 200lbs. She also encouraged me to start dating again and stop trying to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.   Jax has all types of wisdom.  She’s a great storyteller too.  Like when she told about stuffing a bag of her puppy’s poop in her jacket pocket and forgetting about it until she noticed the smell in the middle of a grocery store.  She wondered what people thought as she walked by. Other wisdom came from retiring Dr. Freeman who reminded me of the potential 299,999,999 other dating options that are available to me.   I was too deep in the pits of depression to respond with any sense of hope. Fortunately, I went to the doctor today for a SSRI prescription, which will take effect in about a month. She was very respectful, honoring me for being bold enough to seek help, considerin
Read more