I’m an idiot. I care too deeply about making things right for others that I lose sleep trying to express myself as clearly as possible. And then I’m tongue-tied when I get the chance to speak from the heart.
I recently became aware of a new layer of destruction that I perpetuate on my own. This behavior is separate from the relationship with the one I love even though I make it all about him. It originates in my head and it generates power through my speaking. It allows me to maintain the victim position no matter what I do or say. It justifies every thought that keeps me trapped. It does a huge disservice to the one I love. It alienates me from those who support me. Three friends brought this to my attention on three separate occasions by asking me this very bold question: “Stephen, if you didn’t talk about W what would you be talking about?” All three times, I had no good answer. One of the three friends suggested that I am addicted to the drama surrounding the relationship that is unraveling and it’s causing me stress in all other aspects of my life. I think she’s right. I have now determined not to talk about W so much ...
Feeling guilty. One area of grief made poignant today was the space of feeling guilty. I’m allowing it to hit on all sides, noticing that it has been very familiar to me for most of my life. Maybe in choosing it, I can let its power go. First, I feel guilty because my situation is not that great compared to what others are going through. Death of a cherished grandmother or the sudden loss of a niece is far more devastating. So what right do I have to mourn the loss of a relationship I found exciting and wonderful? Then there’s the guilt surrounding making up the story that created the demise of a relationship that was actually quite amazing. Add to that the guilt of spending too much time away and not noticing the effect. And now the guilt of sharing too openly what’s real in my heart. Plus there’s the guilt of backing away from something I promised to do, coupled with the guilt surrounding not completing what I need to do for my livelihood. I fe...
What I learned about sharing authentically. 1. My default way of being is to withhold my feelings like there’s something hugely important that I need to protect. When I do this, I am on the defense. I become silent in a way that is menacing and sullen, for anyone smart enough to notice. For everyone else, I show up as nice—but not kind. There is a resistance emanating from my heart. And it takes a bold person to snap me out of it. Fortunately, I’m starting to see the effect, and am more and more willing to receive the assistance. 2. Having the opportunity to share what I experience emotionally without someone trying to fix me or make things better is an enormous blessing. I can’t get over how powerful it has been to give myself permission to feel the negative feeling completely with the help of someone who simply reflects what’s there for me. The solution I need arises organically from my heart when the emotion has passed. And I get a sense of freedom i...
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