I’m an idiot. I care too deeply about making things right for others that I lose sleep trying to express myself as clearly as possible. And then I’m tongue-tied when I get the chance to speak from the heart.
I recently became aware of a new layer of destruction that I perpetuate on my own. This behavior is separate from the relationship with the one I love even though I make it all about him. It originates in my head and it generates power through my speaking. It allows me to maintain the victim position no matter what I do or say. It justifies every thought that keeps me trapped. It does a huge disservice to the one I love. It alienates me from those who support me. Three friends brought this to my attention on three separate occasions by asking me this very bold question: “Stephen, if you didn’t talk about W what would you be talking about?” All three times, I had no good answer. One of the three friends suggested that I am addicted to the drama surrounding the relationship that is unraveling and it’s causing me stress in all other aspects of my life. I think she’s right. I have now determined not to talk about W so much ...
I am overwhelmingly intrigued by how different stories become during a break up. Details shift. Statements are forgotten while others are highlighted. Hurtful actions are sidelined if they no longer serve the cause and becoming the victim reigns supreme. It's uncanny. All logic leaves. Honesty is nonessential--so long as I am right. My reputation is absolutely worth saving beyond my integrity. And it doesn't matter that what I am saying makes absolute nonsense in the space of the other. How does anyone reconcile when fantasy takes over and both parties are villainized and victimized simultaneously? Where is the peace? Where is the love that is still being talked about? Do we really believe what we're saying in anger?
What happens when trust crumbles and you both are standing there in the ruins? You know you cannot trust your partner even though you desperately want to. You also know that your partner will not trust you either, even though the reasons are completely different. And the truth is that you no longer are partners, even though you still feel a strong connection and there seems to be all kinds of strings attached whether you want them there or not. What do you do? Walk away? Make amends? Rebuild? Continue the charade? Where do you begin? The world of advise-givers challenge you to move on--quickly! Stay away until the wounds heal, they say. But your heart won't let you. All attempts at reconciliation appear futile as if the entire process of communication has been obliterated by a new language barrier. Only those failed statements you immediately regretted saying seem to stick and are quickly moved out of context to mean somet...
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