Resisting Greatness
Yesterday I leaned into “I give up the right to resist my own greatness” by exploring what has me so defeated about doing basic paperwork. I let things pile up instead of dealing with them efficiently, leaving me always behind, feeling guilty about not completing tasks and dreading the inevitable. Then I go into crisis mode and sacrifice quality time with others, because I need to meet a deadline to pay my bills.
Last Thanksgiving, I spent nine hours in front of my computer getting caught up on notes instead of honoring what was most important for the one I love. I dismissed feelings, interest, and desire for quality time, claiming that I had no choice, when in fact I created the mess in the first place. I was actually quite nasty about my experience at the expense of someone who deserved better.
I didn’t stop there. In fact, I discovered that I have a whole way of being that perpetuates a sense of failure out of my refusal to complete simple tasks. I spread that out everywhere in my life, but twisting it so that I’m not at fault. It’s not new. It’s been running my life, perhaps since childhood. The secret theme is “They’re making me do this. And I don’t wanna.” Through some expert coaching, I discovered how costly this charade has become for my relationships, my finances, my success in life, and my ability to contribute to others.
The bottom line is that I will get very close to success in whatever endeavor I choose and will have people believe in me and count on me to make a difference for myself and others. In fact, I will somehow charm them into pushing me forward into the spotlight. But there is always something I do—or don’t do—that will sabotage the end result. It will be something subtle—like not doing some detail correctly, or not doing what would be expected for someone who acts like I do. At that time, I will attempt to weasel out having proven once again that I can’t be trusted to do or be something great.
Or worse, that I can’t be loved.
Behind this facade is an exhausting game I didn’t know existed. Two people on separate occasions confronted me about how I toy with them and their love for me. Both expressed that I’m too much to deal with and that they’re ready to give up on me completely. One may have already done so.
It’s no wonder that I completely misinterpreted the song “Never Enough” from the “The Greatest Showman.” I caught how hauntingly beautiful it is. But it took me three times to hear it before I understood why the one I love was taken by it. Now, what I really want is to experience myself as someone who is wide open to greatness and brilliant love. I want to stop the charade completely.
Last Thanksgiving, I spent nine hours in front of my computer getting caught up on notes instead of honoring what was most important for the one I love. I dismissed feelings, interest, and desire for quality time, claiming that I had no choice, when in fact I created the mess in the first place. I was actually quite nasty about my experience at the expense of someone who deserved better.
I didn’t stop there. In fact, I discovered that I have a whole way of being that perpetuates a sense of failure out of my refusal to complete simple tasks. I spread that out everywhere in my life, but twisting it so that I’m not at fault. It’s not new. It’s been running my life, perhaps since childhood. The secret theme is “They’re making me do this. And I don’t wanna.” Through some expert coaching, I discovered how costly this charade has become for my relationships, my finances, my success in life, and my ability to contribute to others.
The bottom line is that I will get very close to success in whatever endeavor I choose and will have people believe in me and count on me to make a difference for myself and others. In fact, I will somehow charm them into pushing me forward into the spotlight. But there is always something I do—or don’t do—that will sabotage the end result. It will be something subtle—like not doing some detail correctly, or not doing what would be expected for someone who acts like I do. At that time, I will attempt to weasel out having proven once again that I can’t be trusted to do or be something great.
Or worse, that I can’t be loved.
Behind this facade is an exhausting game I didn’t know existed. Two people on separate occasions confronted me about how I toy with them and their love for me. Both expressed that I’m too much to deal with and that they’re ready to give up on me completely. One may have already done so.
It’s no wonder that I completely misinterpreted the song “Never Enough” from the “The Greatest Showman.” I caught how hauntingly beautiful it is. But it took me three times to hear it before I understood why the one I love was taken by it. Now, what I really want is to experience myself as someone who is wide open to greatness and brilliant love. I want to stop the charade completely.
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