When Relationships Unravel

When I first heard this song over a year ago, I started crying, knowing even then that the beautiful relationship we designed together was destined to end.  Although I was the one brave enough to declare the break up, I was very clear that I did not want out of the relationship. I wanted to hit restart, in hopes of creating something more authentic and sustainable.  I was naive, having never experienced the emotional upheaval that ensued. The past two months have been ruthless, for both of us. Yet I can only be grateful, despite the pain. You have given me incredible happiness and a much larger life than I would have imagined possible.   I promised at the start of our relationship that no matter what happens, I will remain your friend.  You said that would be impossible. I disagree. We may be strangers now. But I will still be your friend.

I’m taking some time off from all the internal strife and angst to return to peace after what seemed like a failed attempt at assertive love.  I admit now that I had an agenda which in hindsight smells more of manipulation and deception than authentic and unconditional acceptance.  My intentions were to see if W really wanted to be with me like he claimed and perhaps more importantly did I want to be with him?  At stake at the end of the week was a party I wasn’t certain I should attend, especially if it meant going with W.  What made the whole week manipulative was that I wasn’t clear about what I wanted to discover. The results were needlessly hurtful to both of us. I just wanted to know if he would respond to assertive love.  What I didn’t know was how to love assertively using his language (5 love languages)   Because he said “I like being with you” and because I had three days with nothing to do,  I smothered him with what I thought was quality time.  When he responded at least

I recently became aware of a new layer of destruction that I perpetuate on my own. This behavior is separate from the relationship with the one I love even though I make it all about him.   It originates in my head and it generates power through my speaking.   It allows me to maintain the victim position no matter what I do or say.  It justifies every thought that keeps me trapped.  It does a huge disservice to the one I love.  It alienates me from those who support me. Three friends brought this to my attention on three separate occasions by asking me this very bold question:   “Stephen,  if you didn’t talk about W what would you be talking about?”  All three times, I had no good answer.  One of the three friends suggested that I am addicted to the drama surrounding the relationship that is unraveling and it’s causing me stress in all other aspects of my life.  I think she’s right. I have now determined not to talk about W so much anymore.  And when I do talk about him I’m starti

Sometimes the best option is simply to be present.  Not thinking about the past.  Not contemplating the future.  Not considering what the heck is being said or not said.  Taking things as they come and as they don't come.  I find myself being at peace more frequently when I can maintin this status.  I can choose to go with the flow without concern.  And when something shows up in my space, like hurt or shame, I can choose to swallow it or spit it out without worry about the ramifications.  Usually, I'm learning, that what's there is simply something in my head that has little or nothing to do with what is actually happening.  This idea of being present clearly doesn't make much sense.  There's no room for justification for all I've gone through so far.  Nor is there room for decision making about the future.  In fact, there seems to be little or no reason for all the fuss.  I get along quite well with this person when I'm present.  And I see no clear reas

What happens when trust crumbles and you both are standing there in the ruins?  You know you cannot trust your partner even though you desperately want to.  You also know that your partner will not trust you either, even though the reasons are completely different. And the truth is that you no longer are partners, even though you still feel a strong connection and there seems to be all kinds of strings attached whether you want them there or not. What do you do?  Walk away?  Make amends?  Rebuild? Continue the charade?  Where do you begin?  The world of advise-givers challenge you to move on--quickly!  Stay away until the wounds heal, they say.  But your heart won't let you. All attempts at reconciliation appear futile as if the entire process of communication has been obliterated by a new language barrier.  Only those failed statements you immediately regretted saying seem to stick and are quickly moved out of context to mean something far more sinister than you could have im

The most proactive advice I've seen so far regarding break ups has been complete separation with no communication for as long as is emotionally necessary.  Most suggest a minimum of three months, especially if the relationship has been longer than a year.  One suggested this plan even for the intention of reunification.  The key, apparently, is to reach the space where life appears to be returning back to normal without the partner, where breathing becomes easy, where tears no longer flow, and were the world returns to its axis. I failed miserably at this plan.  My intention was there.  In fact, I successfully stayed away for three terrible weeks and felt that I was moving toward some semblance of autonomy.  But then he sent me the "I miss you" text and I was back on the hook.  What I didn't realize was that during that time of "silence" I was actually feeding ALL of my heartfelt Face Book posts to his site.  My emotional rawness interfered completely wit

I am overwhelmingly intrigued by how different stories become during a break up.  Details shift.  Statements are forgotten while others are highlighted.  Hurtful actions are sidelined if they no longer serve the cause and becoming the victim reigns supreme.  It's uncanny.  All logic leaves.  Honesty is nonessential--so long as I am right.  My reputation is absolutely worth saving beyond my integrity.  And it doesn't matter that what I am saying makes absolute nonsense in the space of the other.  How does anyone reconcile when fantasy takes over and both parties are villainized and victimized simultaneously? Where is the peace?  Where is the love that is still being talked about?  Do we really believe what we're saying in anger?

I’m an idiot.  I care too deeply about making things right for others that I lose sleep trying to express myself as clearly as possible.  And then I’m tongue-tied when I get the chance to speak from the heart.

Breaking a promise. Did you ever make a promise without noticing and then break it? And then you take a step in that broken promise, thinking you’re doing the right thing to please a whole lot of people, when in fact, you’re choosing to go against your word to yourself “for the greater good” of everyone looking at you?You see everyone smiling with pride and adoration for your accomplishments, but you feel nothing as you choose to honor everyone else. And in the background is doubt.  “Maybe I didn’t really make a promise. Maybe things will iron out.” So now you have two promises.  A private one to someone you love that all of this energy and absence and chaos will now come to an end and things will return to whatever “normal” was before.  And a more public one in a new community that welcomes you into a leadership role with an expectation of monthly meetings and quarterly trips to Atlanta. And you balance the two promises by justifying the one as much more relaxed than previously—and

Random calls from people who want to share something they just discovered and are excited to include me in their lives. Spontaneous attempts at showing interest in my day. Follow up questions that suggest that what I have to say might be worth hearing—even if it’s not. Straightforward invitations so that I know without doubt that the other person actually wants to include me in what’s happening. Humor—but not always occurring to me as a put down. A simple statement that suggests that I matter.  “I’m thinking of you” or “I love you” doesn’t have to mean anything deep to make a difference for me. A simple thank you for something I did right.   You have no idea how frequently I’m consumed by how much I’m screwing up, especially at this time in my life. A hint of vulnerability.  Telling me something you don’t like about me is far more palatable to me than silent judgment.   Being included.  I can tolerate adding me in last minute—barely!   (There had better be an attempt at being respons

What I learned from a retired counselor: I am the center of my universe and everything revolves around me!  Everything! I can’t tolerate the idea that ANYONE would consider rejecting me for any reason, because I am perfect!  I deserve to be adored and catered to and understood immediately without any effort. And if it’s not going to happen my way, I have the right to SUFFER as long as I want to. And the universe had better notice.  Because I AM SIGNIFICANT—and My STORY MATTERS!! Even if not a lick of it is true. I’m addicted to a fairy tale I created that had an ending from the very first day.  It verifies the drama of my existence as someone who cannot be loved completely, who is afraid of being criticized and rejected, who will never be good enough,  and who will always disappoint. And the pain I am in is perfectly natural and necessary for recovery from my own childish fantasy, which needs to die completely. This is not the first time I have been made aware of what I am going thr

What I learned about sharing authentically. 1. My default way of being is to withhold my feelings like there’s something hugely important that I need to protect.  When I do this, I am on the defense. I become silent in a way that is menacing and sullen, for anyone smart enough to notice.  For everyone else, I show up as nice—but not kind. There is a resistance emanating from my heart. And it takes a bold person to snap me out of it.  Fortunately, I’m starting to see the effect, and am more and more willing to receive the assistance. 2. Having the opportunity to share what I experience emotionally without someone trying to fix me or make things better is an enormous blessing.  I can’t get over how powerful it has been to give myself permission to feel the negative feeling completely with the help of someone who simply reflects what’s there for me.  The solution I need arises organically from my heart when the emotion has passed. And I get a sense of freedom in my soul and a strong s

A.  Authentic sharing.  Just being able to express where I am to someone without having to hear solutions is incredibly powerful.  Thank you Heidi Dove for just listening and for allowing me the space to just be. B.  Going through the paces.  Assume tasks that are in front of you to do, knowing that you’ll somehow have the grace to complete them.  Be authentic about where you are. There’s no reason to hide. Thank you Peter McRae, Melissa Yang, and Diane Little for being magnanimous with me as we complete this amazing leadership program together and for allowing me the space to be human.  Thank you for trusting me and for acknowledging my contribution in your life. C. Listening to others who know you best.  Recognize that during the experience of depression your brain is muddled and can’t be trusted for reality checks.  Others who see you, know better. Thank you Brent Queen, Amy Coone, Juliet Good, Melissa Gail Bost Napier, Anthony L. Dickens Alderman, Erika Perry, Jonathan JD Danie

Maybe it’s time to start thinking about what I want in a relationship.  At this point, it’s sort of easy to point out what has been missing. First, there would need to be a genuine interest in who I am, what I have on my heart to share, and what makes me excited about getting up in the morning.  There would be an attempt to listen to my perspective, and perhaps even challenge me in a way that make me shine better than before. There would be encouragement, with positive criticism and respect, without ridicule. There would be an openness and depth that is accessible at any time. And a relationship with God would be part of the equation. Humor and freedom of expression could remain, but not by diminishing my personality.  Love would show up in a way that I feel inspired to expand according to my gifting rather than compliance toward an idea that seems directly opposed to who I am. And I would finally get the opportunity to experience myself as desirable.  Adventure and spontaneous j

The Happiness Seminar tonight reminded me that I have many reasons to be grateful for the one I love.  The past four years have been the happiest years in my life so far because of the great contribution he has made in expanding and developing me in ways I would never have imagined possible.  I have an interesting life to build upon because he interrupted me with his creative spirit, his knowledge of music, his love of movies, games, and entertainment and his sense of adventure. I have some incredible memories to cherish for the rest of my life because he consistently made life fun.   There were so many details of our relationship that were completely workable.  I felt tremendous, love, support, and comfort being with him, for the most part.  I laughed a lot. I learned a lot. I loved a lot as well. And I enjoyed being his partner no matter what costume he had me wear.   Although we didn’t live together, we were inseparable, for the most part, with plenty of stories to share with o

What’s most embarrassing: I’ve spent a lot of time and energy lately expressing the whole array of feelings I’ve had surrounding break up.  I’ve received a great deal of support, for which I am grateful. But there’s another story I need to tell that has created an incredible amount of shame and financial burden that I hope nobody repeats.  Back in July 2017, I was contemplating leaving my job at an agency and beginning a private practice. At the time, I had about $15,000 in credit card debt, mostly as a result of living through graduate school, Landmark trainings, and car repairs.   (And living just beyond my means, to be really honest) I wanted to do something to narrow down my debt, knowing that I would be cutting down my monthly salary for awhile until my caseload increased. I already felt ashamed because the one I loved agreed to pay for my trip to Cancun in April 2017 and had frequently bought whatever I needed out of sheer generosity.  And I wasn’t able to return the favor.

My friend Pattiann took me to the Billy Graham Library today for a tour.  She found that when she was going through hard times, the peace found at the Library was especially helpful.  With the exception of the talking cow, I found the exhibits inspiring. I got a sense of how humble the man Billy Graham really was and how focused he remained all of his life on making a huge difference in the world by sharing a consistent message of God’s love. Pattiann and I had not seen each other for 23 years.  Our lives have changed tremendously. But we both look strikingly the same as we did when we last met—except a little older.   I’m grateful for the opportunity to share with each other after so long.  It was a beautiful spring day.

I hereby declare that I’m sick of being sad.  I’m going back to being audacious, generous and free.  I like myself a lot better being that. It just seems more authentic. Mourning lasts for a moment, but joy comes in the morning. It’s time.

Feeling guilty. One area of grief made poignant today was the space of feeling guilty. I’m allowing it to hit on all sides, noticing that it has been very familiar to me for most of my life.   Maybe in choosing it, I can let its power go. First, I feel guilty because my situation is not that great compared to what others are going through.  Death of a cherished grandmother or the sudden loss of a niece is far more devastating. So what right do I have to mourn the loss of a relationship I found exciting and wonderful?   Then there’s the guilt surrounding making up the story that created the demise of a relationship that was actually quite amazing.  Add to that the guilt of spending too much time away and not noticing the effect. And now the guilt of sharing too openly what’s real in my heart. Plus there’s the guilt of backing away from something I promised to do, coupled with the guilt surrounding not completing what I need to do for my livelihood.  I feel guilty for hurting anyone,