What I wanted
I’m taking some time off from all the internal strife and angst to return to peace after what seemed like a failed attempt at assertive love. I admit now that I had an agenda which in hindsight smells more of manipulation and deception than authentic and unconditional acceptance. My intentions were to see if W really wanted to be with me like he claimed and perhaps more importantly did I want to be with him? At stake at the end of the week was a party I wasn’t certain I should attend, especially if it meant going with W. What made the whole week manipulative was that I wasn’t clear about what I wanted to discover. The results were needlessly hurtful to both of us.
I just wanted to know if he would respond to assertive love. What I didn’t know was how to love assertively using his language(5 love languages) Because he said “I like being with you” and because I had three days with nothing to do, I smothered him with what I thought was quality time. When he responded at least three times in frustration, I found myself immediately in my head with my default thought, which is “I’m not wanted.” And even though I had the sense to know that what I was thinking wasn’t true, I had no words of affirmation from him to move forward. I imagine during these internal battles, I was cold and distant. So physical touch was out of the question. I was on my own even though I remained in his space. I imagine that he did NOT experience assertive love, thereby nullifying my whole secret experiment.
But I pressed on, foolishly thinking I was getting somewhere toward a clear understanding of what was going on between us and therefore be closer to making a decision about the party. In my mind was the possibility that we could be friends at least and have a good time together with mutual respect in a relatively public setting. I didn’t express any of this to him even though we were spending a great deal of time together. (To be fair, we were not exactly alone much. Tuesday night, Wednesday afternoon and Friday night were with A&M.). I felt disrespected and blamed myself for allowing it all to happen. I had no idea how he felt—until the morning of the party. Weirdly, he felt exactly like I did: disrespected, judged, alone, frustrated, manipulated, and upset.
The party was disastrous. Alcohol unleashed W’s inhibitions, giving me the opportunity to judge unfairly, being the sober one still searching for proof. I maintained the victim status, angered by his drunken audacity. And I made things significant at least until he needed my help. Only then did I love him assertively through an act of service. He saw it as love, and responded with words of affirmation. I saw my actions as codependent behavior and therefore dismissed his response as meaningless.
I still have so much to learn about love.
I just wanted to know if he would respond to assertive love. What I didn’t know was how to love assertively using his language(5 love languages) Because he said “I like being with you” and because I had three days with nothing to do, I smothered him with what I thought was quality time. When he responded at least three times in frustration, I found myself immediately in my head with my default thought, which is “I’m not wanted.” And even though I had the sense to know that what I was thinking wasn’t true, I had no words of affirmation from him to move forward. I imagine during these internal battles, I was cold and distant. So physical touch was out of the question. I was on my own even though I remained in his space. I imagine that he did NOT experience assertive love, thereby nullifying my whole secret experiment.
But I pressed on, foolishly thinking I was getting somewhere toward a clear understanding of what was going on between us and therefore be closer to making a decision about the party. In my mind was the possibility that we could be friends at least and have a good time together with mutual respect in a relatively public setting. I didn’t express any of this to him even though we were spending a great deal of time together. (To be fair, we were not exactly alone much. Tuesday night, Wednesday afternoon and Friday night were with A&M.). I felt disrespected and blamed myself for allowing it all to happen. I had no idea how he felt—until the morning of the party. Weirdly, he felt exactly like I did: disrespected, judged, alone, frustrated, manipulated, and upset.
The party was disastrous. Alcohol unleashed W’s inhibitions, giving me the opportunity to judge unfairly, being the sober one still searching for proof. I maintained the victim status, angered by his drunken audacity. And I made things significant at least until he needed my help. Only then did I love him assertively through an act of service. He saw it as love, and responded with words of affirmation. I saw my actions as codependent behavior and therefore dismissed his response as meaningless.
I still have so much to learn about love.
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