Internal Drama And It’s Destructive Impact

I recently became aware of a new layer of destruction that I perpetuate on my own. This behavior is separate from the relationship with the one I love even though I make it all about him.   It originates in my head and it generates power through my speaking.   It allows me to maintain the victim position no matter what I do or say.  It justifies every thought that keeps me trapped.  It does a huge disservice to the one I love.  It alienates me from those who support me.

Three friends brought this to my attention on three separate occasions by asking me this very bold question:   “Stephen,  if you didn’t talk about W what would you be talking about?”  All three times, I had no good answer.  One of the three friends suggested that I am addicted to the drama surrounding the relationship that is unraveling and it’s causing me stress in all other aspects of my life.  I think she’s right.

I have now determined not to talk about W so much anymore.  And when I do talk about him I’m starting to notice that I am spinning my own yarn of how things happened so that I look like a saint and he looks like a villain.  As soon as I notice this,  I see that I’m actually creating negative energy about the one I love and I’m spreading it out to anyone willing to listen.  This has to stop completely.

Nobody deserves the perpetuation of drama,  especially when it’s no longer real.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Sharing Authentically

What I learned about sharing authentically. 1. My default way of being is to withhold my feelings like there’s something hugely important that I need to protect.  When I do this, I am on the defense. I become silent in a way that is menacing and sullen, for anyone smart enough to notice.  For everyone else, I show up as nice—but not kind. There is a resistance emanating from my heart. And it takes a bold person to snap me out of it.  Fortunately, I’m starting to see the effect, and am more and more willing to receive the assistance. 2. Having the opportunity to share what I experience emotionally without someone trying to fix me or make things better is an enormous blessing.  I can’t get over how powerful it has been to give myself permission to feel the negative feeling completely with the help of someone who simply reflects what’s there for me.  The solution I need arises organically from my heart when the emotion has passed. And I get a sense of freedom in my soul and a strong s
Read more

When Stories Collide

I am overwhelmingly intrigued by how different stories become during a break up.  Details shift.  Statements are forgotten while others are highlighted.  Hurtful actions are sidelined if they no longer serve the cause and becoming the victim reigns supreme.  It's uncanny.  All logic leaves.  Honesty is nonessential--so long as I am right.  My reputation is absolutely worth saving beyond my integrity.  And it doesn't matter that what I am saying makes absolute nonsense in the space of the other.  How does anyone reconcile when fantasy takes over and both parties are villainized and victimized simultaneously? Where is the peace?  Where is the love that is still being talked about?  Do we really believe what we're saying in anger?
Read more

Break up Depression

Jax stopped by with a pan of chicken and pasta and a loaf of French bread because she saw that I’ve been losing weight.  I totally appreciate the gesture— even though I actually prefer being less than 200lbs. She also encouraged me to start dating again and stop trying to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.   Jax has all types of wisdom.  She’s a great storyteller too.  Like when she told about stuffing a bag of her puppy’s poop in her jacket pocket and forgetting about it until she noticed the smell in the middle of a grocery store.  She wondered what people thought as she walked by. Other wisdom came from retiring Dr. Freeman who reminded me of the potential 299,999,999 other dating options that are available to me.   I was too deep in the pits of depression to respond with any sense of hope. Fortunately, I went to the doctor today for a SSRI prescription, which will take effect in about a month. She was very respectful, honoring me for being bold enough to seek help, considerin
Read more