When Relationships Unravel

I’m taking some time off from all the internal strife and angst to return to peace after what seemed like a failed attempt at assertive love.  I admit now that I had an agenda which in hindsight smells more of manipulation and deception than authentic and unconditional acceptance.  My intentions were to see if W really wanted to be with me like he claimed and perhaps more importantly did I want to be with him?  At stake at the end of the week was a party I wasn’t certain I should attend, especially if it meant going with W.  What made the whole week manipulative was that I wasn’t clear about what I wanted to discover. The results were needlessly hurtful to both of us. I just wanted to know if he would respond to assertive love.  What I didn’t know was how to love assertively using his language (5 love languages)   Because he said “I like being with you” and because I had three days with nothing to do,  I smothered him with what I thought was quality time.  When he responded at least

I recently became aware of a new layer of destruction that I perpetuate on my own. This behavior is separate from the relationship with the one I love even though I make it all about him.   It originates in my head and it generates power through my speaking.   It allows me to maintain the victim position no matter what I do or say.  It justifies every thought that keeps me trapped.  It does a huge disservice to the one I love.  It alienates me from those who support me. Three friends brought this to my attention on three separate occasions by asking me this very bold question:   “Stephen,  if you didn’t talk about W what would you be talking about?”  All three times, I had no good answer.  One of the three friends suggested that I am addicted to the drama surrounding the relationship that is unraveling and it’s causing me stress in all other aspects of my life.  I think she’s right. I have now determined not to talk about W so much anymore.  And when I do talk about him I’m starti

Sometimes the best option is simply to be present.  Not thinking about the past.  Not contemplating the future.  Not considering what the heck is being said or not said.  Taking things as they come and as they don't come.  I find myself being at peace more frequently when I can maintin this status.  I can choose to go with the flow without concern.  And when something shows up in my space, like hurt or shame, I can choose to swallow it or spit it out without worry about the ramifications.  Usually, I'm learning, that what's there is simply something in my head that has little or nothing to do with what is actually happening.  This idea of being present clearly doesn't make much sense.  There's no room for justification for all I've gone through so far.  Nor is there room for decision making about the future.  In fact, there seems to be little or no reason for all the fuss.  I get along quite well with this person when I'm present.  And I see no clear reas

What happens when trust crumbles and you both are standing there in the ruins?  You know you cannot trust your partner even though you desperately want to.  You also know that your partner will not trust you either, even though the reasons are completely different. And the truth is that you no longer are partners, even though you still feel a strong connection and there seems to be all kinds of strings attached whether you want them there or not. What do you do?  Walk away?  Make amends?  Rebuild? Continue the charade?  Where do you begin?  The world of advise-givers challenge you to move on--quickly!  Stay away until the wounds heal, they say.  But your heart won't let you. All attempts at reconciliation appear futile as if the entire process of communication has been obliterated by a new language barrier.  Only those failed statements you immediately regretted saying seem to stick and are quickly moved out of context to mean something far more sinister than you could have im

The most proactive advice I've seen so far regarding break ups has been complete separation with no communication for as long as is emotionally necessary.  Most suggest a minimum of three months, especially if the relationship has been longer than a year.  One suggested this plan even for the intention of reunification.  The key, apparently, is to reach the space where life appears to be returning back to normal without the partner, where breathing becomes easy, where tears no longer flow, and were the world returns to its axis. I failed miserably at this plan.  My intention was there.  In fact, I successfully stayed away for three terrible weeks and felt that I was moving toward some semblance of autonomy.  But then he sent me the "I miss you" text and I was back on the hook.  What I didn't realize was that during that time of "silence" I was actually feeding ALL of my heartfelt Face Book posts to his site.  My emotional rawness interfered completely wit

I am overwhelmingly intrigued by how different stories become during a break up.  Details shift.  Statements are forgotten while others are highlighted.  Hurtful actions are sidelined if they no longer serve the cause and becoming the victim reigns supreme.  It's uncanny.  All logic leaves.  Honesty is nonessential--so long as I am right.  My reputation is absolutely worth saving beyond my integrity.  And it doesn't matter that what I am saying makes absolute nonsense in the space of the other.  How does anyone reconcile when fantasy takes over and both parties are villainized and victimized simultaneously? Where is the peace?  Where is the love that is still being talked about?  Do we really believe what we're saying in anger?