When Relationships Unravel

When I first heard this song over a year ago, I started crying, knowing even then that the beautiful relationship we designed together was destined to end.  Although I was the one brave enough to declare the break up, I was very clear that I did not want out of the relationship. I wanted to hit restart, in hopes of creating something more authentic and sustainable.  I was naive, having never experienced the emotional upheaval that ensued. The past two months have been ruthless, for both of us. Yet I can only be grateful, despite the pain. You have given me incredible happiness and a much larger life than I would have imagined possible.   I promised at the start of our relationship that no matter what happens, I will remain your friend.  You said that would be impossible. I disagree. We may be strangers now. But I will still be your friend.

I’m taking some time off from all the internal strife and angst to return to peace after what seemed like a failed attempt at assertive love.  I admit now that I had an agenda which in hindsight smells more of manipulation and deception than authentic and unconditional acceptance.  My intentions were to see if W really wanted to be with me like he claimed and perhaps more importantly did I want to be with him?  At stake at the end of the week was a party I wasn’t certain I should attend, especially if it meant going with W.  What made the whole week manipulative was that I wasn’t clear about what I wanted to discover. The results were needlessly hurtful to both of us. I just wanted to know if he would respond to assertive love.  What I didn’t know was how to love assertively using his language (5 love languages)   Because he said “I like being with you” and because I had three days with nothing to do,  I smothered him with what I thought was quality time.  When he responded at least

I recently became aware of a new layer of destruction that I perpetuate on my own. This behavior is separate from the relationship with the one I love even though I make it all about him.   It originates in my head and it generates power through my speaking.   It allows me to maintain the victim position no matter what I do or say.  It justifies every thought that keeps me trapped.  It does a huge disservice to the one I love.  It alienates me from those who support me. Three friends brought this to my attention on three separate occasions by asking me this very bold question:   “Stephen,  if you didn’t talk about W what would you be talking about?”  All three times, I had no good answer.  One of the three friends suggested that I am addicted to the drama surrounding the relationship that is unraveling and it’s causing me stress in all other aspects of my life.  I think she’s right. I have now determined not to talk about W so much anymore.  And when I do talk about him I’m starti